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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Duplicate
Woke
Stolen
Exact
Replaced
Morning
Stuff
Duplicates

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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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