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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Pills
Babies
Showed
Mad
Baby
Dream
Pill
Prevented

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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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