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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Baby
Dream
Pill
Prevented
Pills
Babies
Showed
Mad

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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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If God dropped acid, would he see people?
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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I took a baby shower.
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I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright