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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Babies
Showed
Mad
Baby
Dream
Pill
Prevented
Pills

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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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