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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Took
Gone
Funny
Life
Dryer
Dryers
Washed
Sock

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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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