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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Washed
Sock
Took
Gone
Funny
Life
Dryer
Dryers
More quotes by Steven Wright
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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