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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Failure
Humor
Fun
Success
Clever
Funny
Destroy
Firsts
Tried
First
Evidence
Writing
Succeed

More quotes by Steven Wright

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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
Steven Wright
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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What do batteries run on?
Steven Wright