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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Fun
Success
Clever
Funny
Destroy
Firsts
Tried
First
Evidence
Writing
Succeed
Failure
Humor
More quotes by Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
I washed mud off of mud.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
Steven Wright
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
Steven Wright
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Steven Wright
I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
Steven Wright
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Steven Wright
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Steven Wright
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
Steven Wright