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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Writing
Succeed
Failure
Humor
Fun
Success
Clever
Funny
Destroy
Firsts
Tried
First
Evidence
More quotes by Steven Wright
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Steven Wright
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
Steven Wright
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Steven Wright
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Steven Wright
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
Steven Wright
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright