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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Fun
Success
Clever
Funny
Destroy
Firsts
Tried
First
Evidence
Writing
Succeed
Failure
More quotes by Steven Wright
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
Steven Wright
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Steven Wright
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
Steven Wright
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Steven Wright
George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright
The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
