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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Destroy
Firsts
Tried
First
Evidence
Writing
Succeed
Failure
Humor
Fun
Success
Clever

More quotes by Steven Wright

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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
Steven Wright
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
Steven Wright
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
Steven Wright
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
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The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Steven Wright
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
Steven Wright
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Steven Wright
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
Steven Wright
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Steven Wright
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
Steven Wright
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Steven Wright
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
Steven Wright