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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Fun
Success
Clever
Funny
Destroy
Firsts
Tried
First
Evidence
Writing
Succeed
Failure
More quotes by Steven Wright
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
Steven Wright
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven Wright
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
Steven Wright
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Steven Wright
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Steven Wright
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
Steven Wright
I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
Steven Wright
In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Steven Wright
I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright
