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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Destroy
Firsts
Tried
First
Evidence
Writing
Succeed
Failure
Humor
Fun
Success
Clever

More quotes by Steven Wright

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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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Is it possible to be totally partial?
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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