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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Culture
People
Bacteria
Support
More quotes by Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Steven Wright
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Steven Wright
Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
What do batteries run on?
Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
Steven Wright