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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Bacteria
Support
Culture
People

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Steven Wright
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Steven Wright
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
Steven Wright
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
Steven Wright
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Steven Wright
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
Steven Wright
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright
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Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.
Steven Wright
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
Steven Wright
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Steven Wright
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
Steven Wright
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright