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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Plant
Animal
Endangered
Eats
Plants
More quotes by Steven Wright
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
Steven Wright
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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