Quote

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Word
Funny
Idea
Ideas
Lisp
Cruel
Whose

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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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