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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Seed
Feed
Comedian
Seeds
Bird
Humor
Came
Funny
Planted

More quotes by Steven Wright

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What a nice night for an evening.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
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I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
Steven Wright
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
Steven Wright
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
Steven Wright
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Steven Wright
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
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I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright