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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Seed
Feed
Comedian
Seeds
Bird
Humor
Came
Funny
Planted
More quotes by Steven Wright
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Steven Wright
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
Steven Wright
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
Steven Wright
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Steven Wright
Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
Steven Wright
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
Steven Wright
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
Steven Wright
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
Steven Wright
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Steven Wright