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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Seed
Feed
Comedian
Seeds
Bird
Humor
Came
Funny
Planted
More quotes by Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
I had my coat hangers spayed.
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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Steven Wright
I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
Steven Wright
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Steven Wright
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
Steven Wright
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Steven Wright
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
