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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Planted
Seed
Feed
Comedian
Seeds
Bird
Humor
Came
More quotes by Steven Wright
Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Steven Wright
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
Steven Wright
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Steven Wright
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven Wright
Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Steven Wright
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
Steven Wright
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
Steven Wright
You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven Wright
The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
