Quote

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

Steven Wright

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Bird
Humor
Came
Funny
Planted
Seed
Feed
Comedian
Seeds

More quotes by Steven Wright

Image
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
Steven Wright
Image
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
Image
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
Image
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
Steven Wright
Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright
Image
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
Image
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
Image
The sky already fell. Now what?
Steven Wright
Image
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
Image
Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
Steven Wright
Image
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
Steven Wright
Image
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
Steven Wright
Image
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
Steven Wright
Image
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Steven Wright
Image
I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
Steven Wright
Image
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
Image
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
Image
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Steven Wright
Image
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
Image
The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright