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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Foot
Legs
Saws
Humor
Feet
Funny
Real
Men
Wooden

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright