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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Real
Men
Wooden
Foot
Legs
Saws
Humor
Feet
Funny

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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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