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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Real
Men
Wooden
Foot
Legs
Saws
Humor
Feet

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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
Steven Wright