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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Saws
Humor
Feet
Funny
Real
Men
Wooden
Foot
Legs

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The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I had amnesia once or twice.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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