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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Legs
Saws
Humor
Feet
Funny
Real
Men
Wooden
Foot

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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