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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Real
Men
Wooden
Foot
Legs
Saws
Humor
Feet

More quotes by Steven Wright

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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright