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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Found
Someone
Heart
Francisco
Humor
Went
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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Everything is within walking distance, as long as you have time.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
Steven Wright
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Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Steven Wright
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
Steven Wright
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Steven Wright
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Steven Wright
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright