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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Went
Funny
Found
Someone
Heart
Francisco
Humor

More quotes by Steven Wright

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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
Steven Wright
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
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I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Steven Wright
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Steven Wright