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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Went
Funny
Found
Someone
Heart
Francisco

More quotes by Steven Wright

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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
Steven Wright
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
Steven Wright
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Steven Wright
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
Steven Wright
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
Steven Wright
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Steven Wright
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Steven Wright
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Steven Wright
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
Steven Wright
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Steven Wright