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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Someone
Heart
Francisco
Humor
Went
Funny
Found

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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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Does fuzzy logic tickle?
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'
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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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