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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Found
Someone
Heart
Francisco
Humor
Went
More quotes by Steven Wright
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
Steven Wright
I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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I had amnesia once or twice.
Steven Wright
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
Steven Wright
When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright