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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Almost
Funny
Left
Psychic
Psychics
Girlfriend
Mets
Humor
More quotes by Steven Wright
Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Steven Wright
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven Wright
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Steven Wright
I can't stop thinking like this.
Steven Wright
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
Steven Wright
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
Steven Wright
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
Steven Wright
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Steven Wright
I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
Steven Wright
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Steven Wright
I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright