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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Psychic
Psychics
Girlfriend
Mets
Humor
Almost
Funny
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More quotes by Steven Wright
At one point he decided enough was enough.
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Day One: Still tired from the move.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
Steven Wright
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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I have a map of the united states .... it's original size ... it says one mile equals one mile.
Steven Wright
I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Steven Wright
I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Steven Wright
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Steven Wright
