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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Psychics
Girlfriend
Mets
Humor
Almost
Funny
Left
Psychic

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, See, that's how it's done.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Steven Wright