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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Almost
Funny
Left
Psychic
Psychics
Girlfriend
Mets

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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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