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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Mets
Humor
Almost
Funny
Left
Psychic
Psychics
Girlfriend

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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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