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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Round
Rounds
Tired
Night
Trying
Infinity
More quotes by Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Steven Wright
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
Steven Wright
I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was Quote so the last thing I said before I died would be Unquote.
Steven Wright
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
Steven Wright
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
Steven Wright
I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
Steven Wright