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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Night
Trying
Infinity
Round
Rounds
Tired

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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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