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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Trying
Infinity
Round
Rounds
Tired
Night

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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright