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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Infinity
Round
Rounds
Tired
Night
Trying

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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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