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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Amnesiac
Psychic
Psychics
Advance
Humor
Forget
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Steven Wright
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
Steven Wright
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
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OK, so what's the speed of dark?
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Steven Wright
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
Steven Wright
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
Steven Wright
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright