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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Forget
Funny
Amnesiac
Psychic
Psychics
Advance
Humor

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
Steven Wright
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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Steven Wright
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
Steven Wright
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I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
Steven Wright
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Steven Wright
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
Steven Wright
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
Steven Wright
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Steven Wright
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Steven Wright
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
Steven Wright
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Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Steven Wright
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Steven Wright
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
Steven Wright