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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Advance
Humor
Forget
Funny
Amnesiac
Psychic
Psychics

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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At one point he decided enough was enough.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Steven Wright