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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
Amnesiac
Psychic
Psychics
Advance
Humor
Forget

More quotes by Steven Wright

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There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.
Steven Wright
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
Steven Wright
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Steven Wright
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Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Steven Wright
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I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
Steven Wright
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
Steven Wright
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Steven Wright
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Steven Wright
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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
Steven Wright
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
Steven Wright
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Steven Wright
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
Steven Wright
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven Wright
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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
Steven Wright
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
Steven Wright