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If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Damaging
Killing
Eternity
Time

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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
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Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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The sky already fell. Now what?
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
Steven Wright