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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Earth
Planets
Posts
Back
Friendship
Sent
Friend
Cards
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Planet
Taken
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Space
Entire
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Mines
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Wish
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
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Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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