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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Taken
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Space
Entire
Funny
Mines
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Wish
Mine
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Earth
Planets
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Friendship
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Planet
More quotes by Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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What do batteries run on?
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
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