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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Earth
Planets
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More quotes by Steven Wright
I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
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I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
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