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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Taken
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Space
Entire
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Mines
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Mine
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Earth
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Planet
More quotes by Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.
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It's a fine night to have an evening.
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The things I talk about and explain couldn't happen - yet, they don't seem impossible - you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane - and it's trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.
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All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, Stephen, why haven't you called me? I said, I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it. He said, How long have you had it? I said, I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.
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