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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Mistake
Sleep
Funny
Wells
Well
Made
Mistakes
Couple

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I paint I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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