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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Mistake
Sleep
Funny
Wells
Well
Made
Mistakes
Couple
More quotes by Steven Wright
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven Wright
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Steven Wright
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven Wright
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Steven Wright
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
Steven Wright
I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
Steven Wright
I saw a sign: Rest Area 25 Miles. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Steven Wright
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Steven Wright
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Steven Wright
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Steven Wright
In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
Steven Wright
I washed mud off of mud.
Steven Wright
You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?
Steven Wright