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I had amnesia once or twice.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Amnesia
Twice

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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
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Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my building . . . on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
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My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
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