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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Brother
Wrap
Took
Wraps
Humor
Holiday
Told
Bought
Stop
Print
Funny
Department
Different
Christmas
Would
Gift
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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The sign said eight items or less. So I changed my name to Les.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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