Quote

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Brother
Wrap
Took
Wraps
Humor
Holiday
Told
Bought
Stop
Print
Funny
Department
Different
Christmas
Would
Gift

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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
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Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
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If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
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While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
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