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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Told
Bought
Stop
Print
Funny
Department
Different
Christmas
Would
Gift
Brother
Wrap
Took
Wraps
Humor
Holiday
More quotes by Steven Wright
I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
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I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
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In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
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When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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