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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Would
Gift
Brother
Wrap
Took
Wraps
Humor
Holiday
Told
Bought
Stop
Print
Funny
Department
Different
Christmas
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'
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If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
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