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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Told
Bought
Stop
Print
Funny
Department
Different
Christmas
Would
Gift
Brother
Wrap
Took
Wraps
Humor
Holiday
More quotes by Steven Wright
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
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I can't stop thinking like this.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
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I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went Aaaaahhhh...
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I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
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Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
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