Quote

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Took
Wraps
Humor
Holiday
Told
Bought
Stop
Print
Funny
Department
Different
Christmas
Would
Gift
Brother
Wrap

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Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
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I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.
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The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, Right here, officer.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
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I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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