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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
House
Ends
Way
Bought
Road
Humor
Dead
Funny

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Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
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The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
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If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
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