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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Way
Bought
Road
Humor
Dead
Funny
House
Ends

More quotes by Steven Wright

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You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
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I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
Steven Wright
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So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.
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I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
Steven Wright
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Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, Do I know you?
Steven Wright
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My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
Steven Wright
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I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
Steven Wright
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven Wright
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If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Steven Wright
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I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
Steven Wright
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Steven Wright
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I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.
Steven Wright
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Hermits have no peer pressure.
Steven Wright
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
Steven Wright
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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Steven Wright