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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
House
Ends
Way
Bought
Road
Humor
Dead

More quotes by Steven Wright

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You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
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After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright
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They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
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I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
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I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Steven Wright
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
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If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Steven Wright
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Steven Wright
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I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, Do you want white cake or chocolate cake? I said, yes.
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Steven Wright
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism to steal from many is research.
Steven Wright
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I had my coat hangers spayed.
Steven Wright
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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven Wright