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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Funny
House
Ends
Way
Bought
Road
Humor
Dead

More quotes by Steven Wright

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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.
Steven Wright
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I took a baby shower.
Steven Wright
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
Steven Wright
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Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
Steven Wright
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
Steven Wright
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
Steven Wright
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The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
Steven Wright
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Steven Wright
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
Steven Wright
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Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.
Steven Wright
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Steven Wright
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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Steven Wright
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
Steven Wright
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
Steven Wright
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I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Steven Wright
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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Steven Wright
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
Steven Wright