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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Going
Degrees
Supposed
Outside
Tomorrow
Humor
Cold
Funny
Twice
Today
Zero
More quotes by Steven Wright
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.
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What a nice night for an evening.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
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If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
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I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.
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