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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 69
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Today
Zero
Going
Degrees
Supposed
Outside
Tomorrow
Humor
Cold
Funny
Twice
More quotes by Steven Wright
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
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Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
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You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.
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Do fish get cramps after eating?
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
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Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
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Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
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always remember your unique, just like everone else
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I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
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One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
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I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
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