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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Humor
Cold
Funny
Twice
Today
Zero
Going
Degrees
Supposed
Outside
Tomorrow
More quotes by Steven Wright
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
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I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
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I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>
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I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
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George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.
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I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
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I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
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I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
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I washed mud off of mud.
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
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Do you have any toy train schedules?
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
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My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
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You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
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