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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Tomorrow
Humor
Cold
Funny
Twice
Today
Zero
Going
Degrees
Supposed
Outside

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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
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How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
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I have two pairs of reading glasses. One pair is for reading fiction, the other for non-fiction. I've read the Bible twice wearing each pair, and it's the same.
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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
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To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
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I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
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My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
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I have all the emotions that everyone has it just appears that I don't.
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I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, I think I might have written that.
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My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
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Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
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I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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