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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Shadow
Humor
Wasn
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
Steven Wright
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I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
Steven Wright
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I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
Steven Wright
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I saw a want ad. light housekeeping. They said Here, change this bulb. I said I'll need some friends.
Steven Wright
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Is 'tired old cliché' one?
Steven Wright
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If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Steven Wright
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I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
Steven Wright
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Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee on money they already know you don't have?
Steven Wright
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I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
Steven Wright
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If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?
Steven Wright
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It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.
Steven Wright
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I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.
Steven Wright
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I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
Steven Wright
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Steven Wright
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I have a fax machine with fax waiting.
Steven Wright
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I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
Steven Wright
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Steven Wright
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I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Steven Wright
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Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Steven Wright