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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Shadow
Humor
Wasn
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
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I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
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Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
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Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops
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Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
Steven Wright
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Steven Wright
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
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I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
Steven Wright
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Steven Wright
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.
Steven Wright
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Steven Wright
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I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Steven Wright
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Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
Steven Wright
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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Steven Wright
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I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
Steven Wright
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I washed mud off of mud.
Steven Wright
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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright