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I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
Age: 68
Born: 1955
Born: December 6
Comedian
Film Director
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Writer
Cambridge
Massachusetts
Steven Alexander Wright
Shadow
Humor
Wasn
Funny

More quotes by Steven Wright

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I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
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I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
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When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
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Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
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I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
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I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Steven Wright
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
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Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
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If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.
Steven Wright
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I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
Steven Wright
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I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Steven Wright
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Steven Wright
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
Steven Wright
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The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Steven Wright
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If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Steven Wright
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Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright